if you found this, truly, i'm amazed and both encourage you to read and leave because this is my spiral page for when it gets too much
little dramatic but when beginning this page, i've started to believe i'd once again, never will see the end of my life
(at least like i did back in middle school before i passed that point where i thought i'd kill myself by then)
find my spirals below, ordered and categorized for everyone (myself) to see and reminisce when i've graduated or maybe when i'm in a casket 6 feet down
is there so much to ask in wanting a peaceful night? i mean jesus, we invited him to come and watch jurassic world and he didn't want to come. hell, he could have relaxed and sat with us to watch jurassic park but did he? NO. so how is it my fault when i want to enjoy a nice time. yeah, i can be annoying. i know that by far now with all the overthinking i feel just breathing a little too much, laughing a little too hard. but fuck, i've never told him to shut up when he gets pissy, have i? i've never commented on his excessive smoking to his face or even bothered snarkily mumbling over it. "enjoy your 'celebration'" i told him before he left. and suddenly me getting excited over superstar, being the SLIGHTEST overbearing for it because i thought MAYBE he wanted to watch it and chill and wow, i've been trying SO hard to be a little considerate for a man who clearly doesn't even care about my efforts. and now, here i am, aren't i? making a fucking neocity blog i probably won't look at again, rambling off because bothering anyone for this feels stupid because it IS stupid. why am i the one left here, alone, tearing up over a stupid comment to shut up when he probably hasn't thought twice about it. when everyone was probably thinking it. if i was me back in middle school, hell high school, maybe i would think, yeah, he was right. but fuck if someone in college can be that annoyed over a little bit much on my insistence out of consideration, maybe i'm not the issue. "you guys are leaving?" yeah, because unlike you pretending to live a life, i wanna live mine without someone breathing down my neck and looking down on it
i am nineteen and i don't feel like an adult. i can't tell my family i drink and i spend my calls during the week mumbling about cancelled classes when they run on and on in those hours. i am nineteen and yet my mother calls me for bills and i bite my tongue as they go to expenses and new phones i can't even afford myself. i am nineteen and i am paying for my school in scholarships and preventing myself from going into debt as i have a mother that never offered and a brother asking me to buy the latest spiderman mtg cards for 50 bucks that could go toward 4 meals at o-ramen. i am nineteen and the world is my oyster and yet i feel confined to this little room of hokona, as my sister texts me of the guy my mother sneaks off to see all while she promised me on the drive of my birthday that her kids matter first. that nothing in the world would when deep in my heart, my thirteen year old self mumbles that grandma raised us, not her. i am nineteen and all i want is my mom, a cut-egg sandwich that doesn't cost me 10 bucks and a glass of milk while i watch my little pony. i am njneteen and i am not the adult i never thought i'd be still.